The Irony.
I was just thinking a lot today. Last night, i slept at about 3 am. I was just in bed, trying to deal with a thousand thoughts rambling through my head. Most of it was about being in love. In thinking so, i realized a couple of things.
Number one, you can't make someone fall in love with you. It just actually comes to the individual's thoughts, whether the ideal picture is painted once he looks at you. Nothing can paint it for him, except himself. And he decides whether he takes it or not.
Number two, there is a fine line between fantasy and reality. In love, it is dangerous to fall in love with a fantasy. A picture. A painting. A holographic image. A movie icon. An impersonation. An image. A lot of times, when we think we are in love, we really should guess again. Because a lot of times, we may just be in love with an image. Just because there is no stop in time or violin music playing in the background doesn't mean this person can't be the one. Sometimes, we yearn so much for someone we can't have, not knowing that the very person we've been looking for has always been right in front of us. That's why I strongly believe in the power of friendship. This helps in rubbing off the image and seeing the real thing. There is no such thing as falling in love with the real thing. Scratch the falling. Loving the real thing is the real deal. Choosing to love the real thing.
Number three, we don't have to look for Mr. or Ms. Perfect. A person becomes perfect by the love he is given. When we love, the beauty comes forward, the faults are overlooked, forgiven. The power of love can enable a person to change for the better.
And number four, there is the greatest irony. You'll know you really love someone when things start to hurt so much... yet you still choose to love. When someone you love don't love you back the way you'd hope, that hurts like hell. It does. I won't be a hypocrite, it has happened to me. Tears escaped. I have been in love before, but not like quite recently. Before, when I loved, i fell in love with fantasies. Some dreams i used to have as a little girl. Dancing under a shade of a tree of being kissed under fireworks display... these were all just illusions formed, realized, then shattered. Those guys, i realized, fell in love with an illusion as well. The superficial reasons. Staying there, nothing further. When they hurt me, I tried so hard to get over them. I did.
That was then. Now, I find it hard to get over somebody. I got hurt a fair few times, but I let it go. I didn't care. I went on loving him, and the funny thing is, i chose to do so. I couldn't care less about how i felt, because what was the point of being with someone when he's not happy being with you, right? That's selfish. Love shouldn't be driven by selfish motives.
The reason why I can't forget though, is this: nobody has ever loved me the way he did. And because of that, I decided on something: just let him be. He's happier with someone else, and that's the way it should be. He should be with whoever makes him happy. Whoever brings out the best in him. The hurt i'm going through will end one day. But i will never be able to forgive myself if I hurt him again. If i try to give in to my selfishness again. No, i choose to endure the pain. Our friendship mean more to me than my fantasies. But no, the loving won't stop. The loving goes on. That's the amazing thing about the heart. Even if it's broken, one can still love with all the little pieces.
Perhaps this is something I should be proud of. I learned unconditional love. I learned it the hard way, but who cares? I still learned.
And even though most of the people who, ummm, fell for me fell for the superficial reasons, there is still someone who loves me for who I am. For my imperfections. For who I was, who I am, and for who I will be. No one loves me like GOD does.
You know who you are. All I can say is, I would not have learned all these if it weren't for you. Love you to bits. You affected change in my life. You saved it a couple of times. Sometimes we may think we aren't good enough for some things, but the best thing shines when all else is dark. You have a gift beyond anything you could ever imagine. You love amazingly.
Everything's okay now. When I vent, I spit everything out. Perhaps, this is the acceptance stage.
Here's to you. My best friend. My brother. My angel.
Thank you.
