My Mommy's Email to Me.
"Hi Baby Kang!
I hope you're doing ok now. I know it was hard for you to make a decision whether you should stay or not but I know what you want and i'm sure God does, too. I know that you want to stay to be with me but knowing that you would have wanted to give up your dream and your future for me is worth more than the sweetest words anyone could mutter. It makes me feel important and much loved, kang. But you know that i can't ever forgive myself if you don't live your dream because you chose to be with me, knowing i don't have that much time to live now. if you stayed, you'd be giving up the chance a lot of sutdents pine for, that's the chance to receive the best education in the best university in the country. if i go, it would be hard for you to return. why quit then go back when you can just continue? this is a hard case for you, i know, but i know your faith. it helped you in the past, i'm sure it won't fail this time. you have been given a wonderful opportunity-the best way to learn more about your craft and succeed in the future. and should God take me before you march, kang, remember, i promised i wouldn't miss it for the world. you three know that. i'd be up there, watching you graduate from top view. you loved me enough to give up your dream and that means a lot. I love you enough not to let you.
remember kang, i'm always here for you. when time comes and i have to go, dwell on that fact. just pray if you need mama's embrace. the wind will cover for me, and i'll make sure you'll feel every single touch. i'm proud of you, brave little angel! mama loves you so much. take care of yourself, as i will take care of you. God bless!
Love,
Mama"
I'm a sad, vulnerable person right now. I hide when i cry. I cry hard when i do. i can't find comfort anywhere, because nobody knows how i feel unless they went through the same thing. i want to go home. I want to spend every waking hour i have with my mom. she's my inspiration. it hurts a lot. nobody knows that. maybe people know a bit of it, but they might never understand how i feel. i try to smile, to enjoy, to laugh. i can't. i just can't. at the end of the day, i look up and ask why. but then i think, i never questioned God for my joys and triumphs. why do i question Him now when i'm breaking down?
I don't want to vent in front of my friends. i don't want to ba a source of depression. I don't want to be a kill joy because of something i can't accept right now. that's why i wait till they can't see me until i completely break down. when tears can't help flowing, i use the company of my shades. the thought never leaves me. i'm scared.
God is as silent as He always is. He's working on it. He's not much of a talking being, He's more of a working being. He's silent because He's giving me the space to spit it all out. He is what i need Him to be right now.
Not my boss.
Not my teacher.
Not my king.
Not my preacher.
But my DAD.
