I want to go home.
I'm not happy here anymore. never have i felt lonelier in my entire life. with all the things that's been bugging me since i got here, i just don't know if i have the strength to face this head on, like the past. no, this is way different. this is so much harder to bear. and what's weird is that i don't feel anyone ready to be there this time. perhaps they all have gotten enough of my drama.
i don't blame them. i mean, i know, i brought this unto myself. perhaps i still don't get the lesson God's been trying to teach me, that's why He keeps on sending all these tribulations to teach me more, until i get what He's been trying to say.
i'm not good with hiding how i feel. right now, i'm a confused being. i'm hurt and i don't know how to deal with this anymore. it's just such a big burden to carry, and i don't want to drag anyone to carry it with me. at least, not anymore. it's too heavy for me though, but i have no choice but to go through it alone. i break down very easily, and my sensitivity has reached its peak. even when i'm around my friends, i still feel alone, perhaps more alone than when i'm literally alone. maybe i like to isolate myself. or maybe, i just feel myself drifting away for some reason. i can't seem to relate to anyone anymore. i'm a different person now. it hurts to feel like i'm drifting away just when i need people the most. but maybe, i don't want to need people. no, i do, it's just that, i can't properly speak about my situation. they seem so happy. talking about stuff under the sun (which nowadays, i find hard to relate to). most of the time, i again feel out of place. i mean, even when i'm here already, i still feel like i'm far away. i try so hard to drive that feeling away but knowing what's going on, i can't. that's what hesitates me to vent. to talk. to reach out. i talk at times. when i fall silent, that's when the thought gets fully blown unto me and i just linger on it for as long as i can. i can't talk. i can't move. shades out, i cry. when i talk, when i smile, when i laugh, i struggle. at the end of the day, i cry to sleep. i try to let myself think of other things, i fail. i voice out about those other things i try to distract myself with, i fail. i try to open it up, i hesitate. i don't want to destroy the happy ambiance. i don't.
that being so, i have no choice but to go through this alone.
i know i may have hurt some people with this entry, but i want to be true right now. things are just so hard, even masking yourself doesn't work anymore. trying to smile and enjoy doesn't work anymore. i'm about to lose someone really dear to me. someone i love more than any other person in the world. i know what it's like to lose someone you love, but losing someone you really, really love is far different. i'm not prepared for that. i don't want to prepare for that. when she's gone, i don't know how i will find myself again. i'll never be able to get over it. i hope you understand why i haven't been myself lately. and all these stuff i said today, these are all my own doing. my own thoughts. my own feelings. i say it again, i brought this unto myself. i don't have anywhere to run to. i can't ease it up. no matter what anyone says, i still can't accept it. the burden is as heavy as it was before.
the best comfort i have so far is this:
"mama loves you, little warrior."
-my mom.
(i'm crying as i type this.)
[to those i've hurt, i'm sorry. i don't mean to offend. this is all ME.]
