Freedom of Exploration.

hello dear blog I soooo missseddd youuu!!! (okay, i am communing with an inanimate object. anyway. i'd like to share a personal conversation I had with God. I just felt Him whisper, really. I mean, if you just listen, you'll hear Him. it's amazing.

me: hi Dad. (i like to call Him that when i pray)

God: what happened to your day today?

me: i sang in the univ center. it was family day, and i brought my non biological family with me

God: i saw you. it's good you use what i gave you for that cause. you know the lady you sat with at the table?

me: rose's mom?

God: yes, that's the one. she's been having troubles with their business lately. i know that lightened her up a bit.

me: really?

God: they have a small business, she works as a housewife and she takes care of a small business in their home.

me: wow. well, i have You to thank for that. I couldn't have lightened her up if you have not given me the gift of song.

God: i see you're learning humility very well. keep that up.

me: for you, Dad.

God: anything else you want to tell me?

me: well, there's thid guy in school...

God: Ma--

me: DAD!! shhhhh!!

God: *chuckes* you plan to share this conversation.

me: yes. i know you know. *chuckle chuckle*

God: so what about it?

me: well, i like him. i mean, really like him.

God: i know.

me: and... i dunno if ..

God: he feels the same way.

me: he does???

God: relax, i was just finishing your sentence.

me: oh. but you know if he does..?

God: of course I do. but it's his freedom of choice to tell you.

me: i knew you'd say that.

God: don't you worry. you won't find out through me. i'll provide the time.

me: oh alright.

God: it's late, child, you better rest now. and don't worry about ma--

me: DAD!

God: yes, yes, i know. i was going to say don't worry about--

me: i know what you're gonna say.

God: math.

me: uh.. i don't have math

God: exactly. which leaves you not worrying about anything.

me: oh Dad. you make me smile.

God: my job.

me: thanks. good night Dad.

God: good night, child.

Try to start a conversation with him. It feels really good.

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Annoying Things To Do In An Elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

Okay. I seriously wanna try it. HAHA.

Good laugh.

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Oh nothing. I jst decided to pop in for some reason. Happy father's day to my dad.. it means a lot to me that you came! Love you so much. And to all the fathers out there, you deserve the love.

DADDY! Proud to be your daughter. Proud to be called yours. Proud of making you proud, feeling your love, being with you makes me very very happy. Thank you for the stories, the patience, most of all, the time.

God let me feel how blessed I am to have such a father.

Promise is a promise, dad! I WILL get you that house on the hill in Sydney. I'll have my distribution company by then. Haha. I know God will let me. And everythng WILL be okay.

Ama. Tatay. Daddy. Papa. however i call you, dad.. I'm your girl!

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I'm not happy here anymore. never have i felt lonelier in my entire life. with all the things that's been bugging me since i got here, i just don't know if i have the strength to face this head on, like the past. no, this is way different. this is so much harder to bear. and what's weird is that i don't feel anyone ready to be there this time. perhaps they all have gotten enough of my drama.

i don't blame them. i mean, i know, i brought this unto myself. perhaps i still don't get the lesson God's been trying to teach me, that's why He keeps on sending all these tribulations to teach me more, until i get what He's been trying to say.

i'm not good with hiding how i feel. right now, i'm a confused being. i'm hurt and i don't know how to deal with this anymore. it's just such a big burden to carry, and i don't want to drag anyone to carry it with me. at least, not anymore. it's too heavy for me though, but i have no choice but to go through it alone. i break down very easily, and my sensitivity has reached its peak. even when i'm around my friends, i still feel alone, perhaps more alone than when i'm literally alone. maybe i like to isolate myself. or maybe, i just feel myself drifting away for some reason. i can't seem to relate to anyone anymore. i'm a different person now. it hurts to feel like i'm drifting away just when i need people the most. but maybe, i don't want to need people. no, i do, it's just that, i can't properly speak about my situation. they seem so happy. talking about stuff under the sun (which nowadays, i find hard to relate to). most of the time, i again feel out of place. i mean, even when i'm here already, i still feel like i'm far away. i try so hard to drive that feeling away but knowing what's going on, i can't. that's what hesitates me to vent. to talk. to reach out. i talk at times. when i fall silent, that's when the thought gets fully blown unto me and i just linger on it for as long as i can. i can't talk. i can't move. shades out, i cry. when i talk, when i smile, when i laugh, i struggle. at the end of the day, i cry to sleep. i try to let myself think of other things, i fail. i voice out about those other things i try to distract myself with, i fail. i try to open it up, i hesitate. i don't want to destroy the happy ambiance. i don't.

that being so, i have no choice but to go through this alone.

i know i may have hurt some people with this entry, but i want to be true right now. things are just so hard, even masking yourself doesn't work anymore. trying to smile and enjoy doesn't work anymore. i'm about to lose someone really dear to me. someone i love more than any other person in the world. i know what it's like to lose someone you love, but losing someone you really, really love is far different. i'm not prepared for that. i don't want to prepare for that. when she's gone, i don't know how i will find myself again. i'll never be able to get over it. i hope you understand why i haven't been myself lately. and all these stuff i said today, these are all my own doing. my own thoughts. my own feelings. i say it again, i brought this unto myself. i don't have anywhere to run to. i can't ease it up. no matter what anyone says, i still can't accept it. the burden is as heavy as it was before.

the best comfort i have so far is this:

"mama loves you, little warrior."

-my mom.

(i'm crying as i type this.)

[to those i've hurt, i'm sorry. i don't mean to offend. this is all ME.]

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"Jonathan Grigg, Professor of Paediatric Respiratory and Environmental Medicine at Queen Mary University London, said: "Idiopathic pulmonary haemosiderosis is a rare disease, the cause of which is unknown.

"Affected patients have episodes of bleeding in the lungs, which often need hospital admissions, and in some cases it can be life threatening. This is normally combated by the use of continuous oral steroids (which can have major side effects).

Dr Cooke said that idiopathic pulmonary haemosiderosis is a devastating condition. Characteristic of this condition is the accumulation of protein-bound iron in the lungs, a consequence of repeated bleeding in the lungs, coupled with inflammation and fibrosis. Ultimately this condition is usually fatal. Treatment to prevent the lung damage and prevent anaemia is a combination of corticosteroids and iron supplement.

Both chronic inflammation, and the presence of iron, released following bleeding into the lungs, can lead to a condition known as oxidative stress. Oxidative stress occurs when the production of free radicals, highly reactive chemicals, outweighs antioxidant defences. This leads to a great deal of damage to cells, and in particular DNA, the cell's 'blueprint', and is likely to be responsible for the fibrosis, as the lungs try to repair the damage done by free radicals."

-from science daily

I should not have researched on that. That's really scary. One fatal disease after another.

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"Hi Baby Kang!

              I hope you're doing ok now. I know it was hard for you to make a decision whether you should stay or not but I know what you want and i'm sure God does, too. I know that you want to stay to be with me but knowing that you would have wanted to give up your dream and your future for me is worth more than the sweetest words anyone could mutter. It makes me feel important and much loved, kang. But you know that i can't ever forgive myself if you don't live your dream because you chose to be with me, knowing i don't have that much time to live now. if you stayed, you'd be giving up the chance a lot of sutdents pine for, that's the chance to receive the best education in the best university in the country. if i go, it would be hard for you to return. why quit then go back when you can just continue? this is a hard case for you, i know, but i know your faith. it helped you in the past, i'm sure it won't fail this time. you have been given a wonderful opportunity-the best way to learn more about your craft and succeed in the future. and should God take me before you march, kang, remember, i promised i wouldn't miss it for the world. you three know that. i'd be up there, watching you graduate from top view. you loved me enough to give up your dream and that means a lot. I love you enough not to let you.

              remember kang, i'm always here for you. when time comes and i have to go, dwell on that fact. just pray if you need mama's embrace. the wind will cover for me, and i'll make sure you'll feel every single touch. i'm proud of you, brave little angel! mama loves you so much. take care of yourself, as i will take care of you. God bless!

                                                                                                                Love,

                                                                                                                 Mama"

I'm a sad, vulnerable person right now. I hide when i cry. I cry hard when i do. i can't find comfort anywhere, because nobody knows how i feel unless they went through the same thing. i want to go home. I want to spend every waking hour i have with my mom. she's my inspiration. it hurts a lot. nobody knows that. maybe people know a bit of it, but they might never understand how i feel. i try to smile, to enjoy, to laugh. i can't. i just can't. at the end of the day, i look up and ask why. but then i think, i never questioned God for my joys and triumphs. why do i question Him now when i'm breaking down?

I don't want to vent in front of my friends. i don't want to ba a source of depression. I don't want to be a kill joy because of something i can't accept right now. that's why i wait till they can't see me until i completely break down. when tears can't help flowing, i use the company of my shades. the thought never leaves me. i'm scared.

God is as silent as He always is. He's working on it. He's not much of a talking being, He's more of a working being. He's silent because He's giving me the space to spit it all out. He is what i need Him to be right now.

Not my boss.

Not my teacher.

Not my king.

Not my preacher.

But my DAD.

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I'm so drained from that getaway! We again visited my favorite nature park/resort Mambukal. We almost got to ride on the slide for life. It was kind of a canopy walk, but when we got to the place no one was there to supervise. Oh well, we got to the boating site instead. Hooraay for Kayak races! Then we went for a swim, occassional eating in between. After the resort, the day wasn't over. We went to SM Bacolod to watch a movie. We went home at about 11pm that day and everyone went (zzzzzz......).

The next day we went to a birthday party, but we called it a reunion. Everyone went home from the states to go to that party. Aside from eating, what else did my cousins and I do? Pictorials with the most fascinating facilities in the playground, e.g. slide, swings, seesaws... Oh yes. That's what you call going back to childhood.

Eating was again the major activity the next day. After going to mass the next day we went to a graduation party of my cousin. Whoa. I helped in the food prearation. I cannot stop eating there. The brownies were something else. And get this, we all had fun with the karaoke machine! I did most of the singing, while everyone danced to the sounds of the Pussycat Dolls, Christina Aguilera, and all those other danceable songs. That was so much fun.

I can't wait for sem break to do all those again!

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