Freedom of Exploration.

I finally had a shot at real vacation. Going to where the heart is-- home. Bacolod City is one of the many places in the world not everyone has knowledge about. But for me, it's one of the coolest places in the world.

I just came back from Seaside Resort and I had such a blast. Nothing beats home as it is. Tomorrow the whole family again goes to any native restaurant here since my grandpa planned to treat us somewhere. Well, his grandchildren are here. Hehe.

It's my mom and dad's 21st wedding anniversary tomorrow! Hooraay! They get to spend time alone, perhaps that's why we were encouraged to go here first?

Then Friday's the big day. WEEEE! Mambukal Resort! It's about a two hour drive from where we live but the long travel time is worth-it. It's away from the city so it has that natural peace tick to it. And very very... NATURAL. Green all over.

Bacolod City. I love this place.

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I watched an interesting episode on Tyra Banks this morning. I can't tell you how much it got me thinking. There were these three girls, Sandra, 17, Jessica, 18 and Erica, 14, who so desperately want to be the "popular kids in high school". The common denominator among them were two things: "If I become popular, I'd be the happiest girl in the world." and "I want to be like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie."

Poor things.

So here's what they did, the producers of the show planned a fake hollywood party somewhere in LA just to give them a taste of what popularity feels like. They hired party goers and three actresses who played the role of the "it" girls. They had fake alcoholic drinks around and even fake drugs. The girls had no idea that there were cameras all around the hired residence and that everything was a set up. Here, they were tested on how far they will go to get that popularity they've always wanted.

So there, peer pressure comes and the three hired actresses did a makeover for the girls, (with the help from the show's stylist, who pretended to be the girls' friend), got them to wear skimpy clothes and did their hair and make up. When they were done it was time for mission number one, find out if the girls would give in to alcohol. Fake alcohol, that is.

Two of them did. Sandra and Jessica. Erica, the youngest of them all, refused. After that, it was on mission number two. Peer pressured to hook up. All three of them danced like crazy, each with a certain guy. Jessica gave her number to one after the party. The others merely danced. Then the final test came: peer pressured to do drugs. Again, Sandra and Jessica gave in. Erica, again, didn't.

They watched it along with their parents on the show, and one of them, Sandra, broke down as her mother told her this:

"You're becoming a follower. Not a leader."

I used to be that. One of the popular kids in high school. People greeting you everytime you turn around, your name in every issue of the school paper, being onstage at every event, people coming up to you every now and then and tell you how you became an inspiration to them, etcetera. But no, i wasn't the drug/drinking/smoking kind of person. Hardwork got me there. Confidence got me there. Built-in high. No, i'm not bragging. My point is, you don't need to succumb to bad peer pressure in order to have fun. You don't need popularity in order to live free. Popularity leads to a lot of expectation, and eventually leading to changing for the worst. No, there is the good poularity. Being an inspiration. Just being yourself ang being happy with what you are. And when people accept you for being who you are, you are receiving something genuine. But if you start being someone else, conforming to what they want, all you are receiving is something that they want, but it just isn't you. And if they love you for being someone else, they love that someone else, not you.

Popularity for being someone else is not popularity at all. It's just a world where people love the different person you have created out of what others think. It's not you. So if you really look at it, you are still not popular. Who is popular? That fictional character the others created out of you.

The best kind of popularity is being loved for who you are. The easiest thing in the world is to be yourself. Just live free. And if you are loved for who you are, it gives a greater feeling than having all those people pour over someone you are not.

Hey, this even works in products. Sure, the fake ones are so easy to get. But the ones which are more popular are those which are genuine. Not so easy to get. But they are the ones who usually last longer. Sure, the fake ones are affordable. The genuine stuff are almost priceless. Wonder why?

The fake ones hold less VALUE than the genuine ones.

Be someone else, you'll be affordable. They can easily buy you.

Be yourself, you'll be priceless. You'll be worth a lot.

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It started from that quote. I forgot how it goes but there you go, real friends are like stars. Yep. And you started calling me that. I happen to like it a lot, too.

Tough cookie, that's another story.

Hmmm. Perhaps I'm just too bored nowadays. You know what, I am so glad I chose that environmental science class. It made all the difference in the world.

You pushed me to go on if there are stuff that pressed me so far underground. You dug it up, let me through and cheered me on as i walked further. When I was lonely and I needed someone to talk to, may it be about life, love, disease, body types, penguins, jewish people, goldfishes or just arguing whether blue jay was a fish or a bird, you were there. You are one of the best listeners I ever came across with.

When I have a problem, you don't just talk about it. You seek to help me. You want me happy. You cry with me when I'm sad. You laugh when everyone else is trying to think about laughing. You share everything with me.

Perhaps the best thing you ever did for me is teaching me about loving God. About resigning to the fact that God will provide. About trusting that everything will work out fine, in His time.

You mean so much to me. Everything you ever taught me will be forever embedded in my story. You let me learn so much in the process of my growing up. Forevermore, I am thankful. For you. for your love. For your gift. For your friendship. Don't ever think you have not done enough. You loved me for who I am. In the course of my being, nobody has ever loved me like that, except for my family. Never have I felt that care for so long a time. Yes, that is why i consider you my family as well. Perhaps that's one of the reasons why God sent you. So I can still feel the love of my family even if I'm far from them.

For that and for many more, I thank you. My best friend, my sister, my angel.

Love you to bits. Love you everyday.

Love,

Kia

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I was just thinking a lot today. Last night, i slept at about 3 am. I was just in bed, trying to deal with a thousand thoughts rambling through my head. Most of it was about being in love. In thinking so, i realized a couple of things.

Number one, you can't make someone fall in love with you. It just actually comes to the individual's thoughts, whether the ideal picture is painted once he looks at you. Nothing can paint it for him, except himself. And he decides whether he takes it or not.

Number two, there is a fine line between fantasy and reality. In love, it is dangerous to fall in love with a fantasy. A picture. A painting. A holographic image. A movie icon. An impersonation. An image. A lot of times, when we think we are in love, we really should guess again. Because a lot of times, we may just be in love with an image. Just because there is no stop in time or violin music playing in the background doesn't mean this person can't be the one. Sometimes, we yearn so much for someone we can't have, not knowing that the very person we've been looking for has always been right in front of us. That's why I strongly believe in the power of friendship. This helps in rubbing off the image and seeing the real thing. There is no such thing as falling in love with the real thing. Scratch the falling. Loving the real thing is the real deal. Choosing to love the real thing.

Number three, we don't have to look for Mr. or Ms. Perfect. A person becomes perfect by the love he is given. When we love, the beauty comes forward, the faults are overlooked, forgiven. The power of love can enable a person to change for the better.

And number four, there is the greatest irony. You'll know you really love someone when things start to hurt so much... yet you still choose to love. When someone you love don't love you back the way you'd hope, that hurts like hell. It does. I won't be a hypocrite, it has happened to me. Tears escaped. I have been in love before, but not like quite recently. Before, when I loved, i fell in love with fantasies. Some dreams i used to have as a little girl. Dancing under a shade of a tree of being kissed under fireworks display... these were all just illusions formed, realized, then shattered. Those guys, i realized, fell in love with an illusion as well. The superficial reasons. Staying there, nothing further. When they hurt me, I tried so hard to get over them. I did.

That was then. Now, I find it hard to get over somebody. I got hurt a fair few times, but I let it go. I didn't care. I went on loving him, and the funny thing is, i chose to do so. I couldn't care less about how i felt, because what was the point of being with someone when he's not happy being with you, right? That's selfish. Love shouldn't be driven by selfish motives.

The reason why I can't forget though, is this: nobody has ever loved me the way he did. And because of that, I decided on something: just let him be. He's happier with someone else, and that's the way it should be. He should be with whoever makes him happy. Whoever brings out the best in him. The hurt i'm going through will end one day. But i will never be able to forgive myself if I hurt him again. If i try to give in to my selfishness again. No, i choose to endure the pain. Our friendship mean more to me than my fantasies. But no, the loving won't stop. The loving goes on. That's the amazing thing about the heart. Even if it's broken, one can still love with all the little pieces.

Perhaps this is something I should be proud of. I learned unconditional love. I learned it the hard way, but who cares? I still learned.

And even though most of the people who, ummm, fell for me fell for the superficial reasons, there is still someone who loves me for who I am. For my imperfections. For who I was, who I am, and for who I will be. No one loves me like GOD does.

You know who you are. All I can say is, I would not have learned all these if it weren't for you. Love you to bits. You affected change in my life. You saved it a couple of times. Sometimes we may think we aren't good enough for some things, but the best thing shines when all else is dark. You have a gift beyond anything you could ever imagine. You love amazingly.

Everything's okay now. When I vent, I spit everything out. Perhaps, this is the acceptance stage.

Here's to you. My best friend. My brother. My angel.

Thank you.

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I recently watched Cashback the Movie. So much stuff I learned, particularly about seeing the beauty in stuff that happens. Perhaps, quoting lines wouldn't hurt. These are my favorite excerpts from the film:

Ben: I've always wanted to be a painter, maybe have my work hung in a gallery one day.
Sharon: I've always wanted to meet a painter.
Ben: Why?
Sharon: I think it might have something to do with their ability to see beauty in everything.

and this line made me think:

Once upon a time, I wanted to know what love was. You just have to see that it's wrapped in beauty and hidden away in between the seconds of your life. If you don't stop for a minute, you might miss it.

-Ben Willis (played by Sean Biggerstaff)

Kudos to Sean Ellis, the writer and director. Watch it if you get the chance.

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"...why is our nation still buried underground? Because we still fail to realize the reality that we cannot depend on the youth to change a phase. As ugly as it may seem to sound, young people only base their thoughts on what is empirical, not exactly on what is actually happening. How then, can they be credible enough in order to change anything? The youth, yes, is the hope of the fatherland but how? Education and experience. And who has more of these? Those who are actually sitting in position, they who can analyze all possible sides of the situation. What can the youth do?.."

                                                                                                                    -Some columnist.

I beg to disagree. Yes, youth are inexperienced when it comes to, say, city or nation governance. The experience we derive our thoughts from are not only empirical, though. I guess it is safe to say that being the victims of those political stains is more than enough to let us be aware of what is actually happening.

Another thing is this: it mentioned that education and experience help in the credibility of changing a phase. Yes, exactly. So how do we become credible? Experience and awareness. A college degree is not the only proof of this. These are all technical knowledge, although I'm not saying it doesn't help. I say though, the situation at hand does not only require an approach that is derived from the conventional stuff we learn from books. Many times, practicality is more important, as the decisions made are based on the situation. Analysis. Adaptation and knowing how to act upon a problem. The youth can change a phase. We just need to be heard.

In my place, there is a time when selected student leaders are given a chance to take over the city as city officials for a week. This is how we are givem the experience and awareness we need in order to at least change something in the city. And you know what? A lot of the approved laws and propositions in my city are made by these student leaders. With this, the Interact club was formed, a club that is made up of those who participated in the youth city governance program. The government considers the youth as a vital part of society and therefore helps this club by hearing them out and helping them understand what is happening and giving them the opportunity to think of possible solutions, (which they also actually consider).

With the Interact club, the city was able to build 1 hospital, 3 day care centers in strategic places in the city, and even contributed to the funds that aimed to provide a new route in the city. While this is underway, they even proposed an alternative route for the public utility vehicles to take so as not to deal with traffic caused by the construction. It works.

Youth works. If given the chance, we can do things. We can affect change.

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Bare Hands

I lie awake, the moon hath come

The shimmering light hath ruled the dome

The words escape as my hand writes

I chase a dream of winning a fight

My eyes dart down and soon they sought

The battle scars the thorn had brought

Looked at a face, my mind explodes

I shout out loud, "Why such a load?"

I rest my head and closed my eyes

And through a dream, He sought my cries

He told me, "Child, you see the sand?

Go write your pains with your bare hands."

As my hand glided through the sand

My tears fell down upon my hand

When I was done, I heard again

A voice called out from the heavens

"I've seen you cry, I know your fears

Thou shalt not worry, I am here

Now all your pains are written on sand

Watch me work with my bare hands."

Before my eyes, a great big wave

Had washed the shore, and I was saved

My fears on sand had disappeared

I knelt in prayer and shed a tear

A gush of wind so great it seemed

Had swooped on me on that one dream

When I awoke, I saw the sun

And I thanked Him for what He's done

"All I wanted was see your face

You gave me more, a Dad's embrace

You let me write my fears on sand

Then washed them away with your bare hands."

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Three Words

I peep out

Shed a tear

Out the world

I see clear

I am held

By a lass

As my life

Start to pass

And I grow

Time with me

Just the joys

Do I see

By and by

I sense storm

Grip my faith

I feel warmth

I hold on

To His hand

Pain is here

Still I stand

And I see

Past the gates

No more fear

No more hate

Tread the path

I now walk

Come home to

House of Rock

Take my hand

He now says

I look up

See His face

I let go

Took His hand

Now to live

In His land

Out the world

I see clear

They look up

Shed a tear

I'll watch them

All the time

No more tears

I am fine.

05.17.07   6:09pm

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I'm just waiting. The university real time enlistment bugs me in a lot of ways. It lets you wait and wait and wait and wait....

I suppose it tests patience. That's the good side of it, i'm guessing. Oh well. It just goeas to show that in order to see the rainbow you have to put up with the rain.

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Two friends are walking down the beach one day. Let's call them Tim and Tom. They got into an argument until Tim slapped Tom hard 'round the face.

Tom then wrote on the sand: "Tim slapped me today."

After things got settled, a horrible storm blew in. A branch of a tree broke and fell down fast, going to Tom's direction. Upon reflex, Tim pulled him out of the way just in the nick of time.

After the storm, Tom found a rock. He wrote: "Tim saved me today."

Curiousity befalling upon Tim, he asked, "Why did you write me slapping you on sand, and me saving you on rock?"

"Simple," Tom said. "Sand gets washed away by waves and wind. Rocks are stronger and more permanent."

So what are the two rules in writing?

1. Write the bad stuff on sand. The winds and waves are forgiving. 

2. Write the good stuff on stone. It lasts.

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I found out the disadvantages of being beautiful for some people. They are often the victims of people who fall in love for the superficial reasons. What is beyond what's superficial is most often overlooked. And what's overlooked is most often what matters.

Tsk tsk.

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Never regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted.

I have my syringe scars to prove it.

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Sometimes, the wind just glides your face, letting you know of its existence. When time passes, it actually shouts how it doesn't stick around forever. When a little boy pats you at the back, it lets you know of a need to be recognized, to be noticed, to let you be aware of his wants, maybe, his needs.

A lot of beings don't usually recognize what's in their lives, let alone what has been there for the past (insert age here) years or so. We look for stuff we think is beyond our reach, but don't really know it has been right in front of us. It brushes us in the face yet we fail to recognize it. We want more. When can people ever be satisfied?

If we are not happy now, no matter where we are, how far we will go or what nature we are in, we will never be happy. Happiness is not what's in the end of the road. Happiness is the road.

The sad fact is, sometimes, we miss the diamond while we are so busy collecting more stones.

Thoughts to be pondered on.

I am Kia. A writer.

I write to change the world.

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I am Kia. I am a writer. I write to express. I write to vent. I write so I can tell whoever cares what is happening around me. In a pathologically dissatisfied world I live in, I want to take delight in simple things. I want to be content. I want to cheat on life. I want my rules on happiness to be simple so they will be stacked on my favor. I am a writer. I write to change the world. I touch my little corner. I let that touch flow for countless millenia. I write about God. About miracles. About life. About love. About friends. About family. About me. I am a writer. You don't know how I look like. But you will know me. I will allow you to know me without knowing me. You will pull past the physical being. The pnysical stature. You will know the real me. I will write about me.

I am Kia. I am a writer.

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